Took KP (the 97-year-old) to Denture Cottage yesterday, trying to salvage 20-year-old backup dentures she had sequestered in a cottage-cheese container in her old house. (Unearthed, incredibly, by Bro as he shut the place down.)

Notable events:

1. mistaking jawbone-erosion display for coat rack (me)

2. inmates of her nursing home singing organ-accompanied, dolefully adagio "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" as we enter, "Abide with Me" as we leave

Verdict: Dentures are not salvageable. Her lower plate will always rattle, no matter what. Denture lady's best advice: Take them out when you're not eating.

Tearful yet bellowing phone calls later (3): "I don't want to live!"